Polyamory

Polyamory is simply defined as loving more than one person. That definition leaves a lot of room for variation and interpretation. For more introduction I suggest the introduction to poly link below or reading the alt.polyamory FAQ on the Usenet newsgroup. What follows is about my poly origins and philosophy. YMMV (Your mileage may vary).

This is the story so far...
I first realized I was polyamorous at 16 years old. At that time I didn't have a word for it, I just thought I was the only freak in the world who felt that way. I was very much in love with two people at the same time. I felt guilty because our society says that if you really love one person you won't think of anyone else. I was confused and mixed up like a lot of teenagers, but added to my confusion was this contradiction between feeling good and feeling guilty. Add in a healthy dose of depression and being a teenager was interesting.

Then I met a wonderful woman who understood me more than I could fathom. Although our relationship was volatile and brief for non-poly reasons, she left me with a gift that would carry me through harder times. She understood that what I felt for other people didn't diminish her standing in my heart. She even encouraged me to keep the closeness I had felt with others. It was the first time in my life I felt okay about not being 'normal'.

As I said, it was a brief time. The pain of loss left me reeling. While trying to find my footing again I found a best friend and fell in love again. Again, I found a very special person who understood my soul so thoroughly that I think part of it still stays with her. Being 18 and in love with your best friend does nothing to lessen the desire for a relationship. In search of a relationship I stepped onto a slippery slope that dropped me into an utterly monogomous relationship.

Well, I've made mistakes. Number among them pretending not to be poly, getting married, and trying to live the "American Dream". The dream for me was wrought with sadness, discontent, and finally divorce. I learned a lot from that and I vowed to never learn that lesson twice.

The next few years was spent rebuilding my life and re-establishing the friendships that had faired badly as a result of the American Dream. It's amazing how much you can change things when you put your mind to it.

Through some very complicated circumstances I met Derien. She was in the end of a longterm relationship that was not ending well. It took nearly a year for us to go from friends in love to partners. Based on each of our experiences we intentionally formed a different kind of relationship. About the same time we discovered the Usenet newsgroup alt.polyamory. It was then that we realized we finally had a word for what we felt and what we were trying to build our relationship on, Polyamory

That was in the fall of 1992. And that's the story so far....

Spices and Flavors
The particular flavor of polyamory we have chosen to practice is polyfidelity. Ideally we'd like each partner to be attracted equally (but differently) to all the others. That's pretty easy at present because there are only two of us. We are hoping someday to find someone who can be involved with both of us and form a triad. I'm attracted only to females, so half the world's population is out. So far, we've done considerably more looking than finding. That's not a bad thing though. We've got each other so life is pretty damn good.

And the winner is....
The results so far have been interesting. So far we've found one person who completely confounded us by being attracted to both of us then disappearing entirely, one person who was attracted to both of us but had other things to deal with, several who were attracted to one of us but not the other, and several we found boring or uninteresting or felt that way about us. But what these experiences have given us is a better idea of what we are capable of. Where we once were looking for just a fulltime, live-in partner, now we understand that's not important or relavent. Not that it wouldn't be nice, but it's not necessary.

So there you have it. A quest for the holy grail, perhaps, but sometimes the journey can be as rewarding as the destination.

matt
eor, the old grey donkey

Some poly-friendly quotes that I like:

Some links to my sweety's writings on polyamory:

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